Good afternoon, citizens!! We have some important news for you.
Clawjob is aloofly pleased to welcome former United States Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld as the newest member of our global marketing taskforce.
Mr. Rumsfeld has shown prodigious initiative in his career up to this point, as well as an uncanny ruthlessness and potent disregard for the common good, which greatly endears him to Clawjob's upper management. As most Americans know, Mr. Rumsfeld was extremely effective during his tenure as Secretary of Defense, but he recently stepped down from that position when he received Clawjob's generous offer. His exact words:
"As honored as I have been to hold the office of Secretary of Defense, it would be a boldfaced lie to say that I considered turning Clawjob down, even for a second. I only had to wait for an opportune time to resign my cabinet post in a way that wouldn't piss off George too bad. Did I want to burn bridges? No. Did I do what I felt the metrics told me I should? Yes."
Rumsfeld went on to explain how pleased he is to extricate himself from the quagmire* of the war in Iraq. "They haven't even given [the war] a name yet, can you believe? Did I want to give the war a saleable name? Yes. Was I the one in charge of that? No. That's why I'm looking forward to working with Clawjob, who really understand the importance of relentless brand recognition."
Rumsfeld has not yet been assigned a specific position within Claw Solutions, but top aides report that he will be appointed to the office of Secretary of T-Shirt and Commemorative Plate Sales.
*Editor's note: While Mr. Rumsfeld's modesty is appreciated, we at Clawjob HQ nonetheless consider the operation in Iraq to be a shining beacon of success fit for the resume of even the most ruthless, profit-focused warlord.
POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 01:59
PM EST 00000057 |
