There is so much Clawnews coming over the wire that CLAWNET has been forced to post multiple items in the same update! Feel the efficiency!

MANIFEST DESTINY PRE-ORDERS SHIP!

Fans of Clawjob have one more reason to wet their pants now that pre-order copies of the band's newest EP, Manifest Destiny, have started shipping! All pre-orders come with a brand new Clawjob sticker and a link to download exclusive, rare Clawjob MP3s. The official release date is August 12, so there are still a few days left for procrastinating music lovers to pre-order the album and get their beloved freebies!

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MANIFEST DESTINY NOW AVAILABLE ON CDBABY!

Want Manifest Destiny, but feel like Clawjob.com's price of $7 (with free shipping) is just too low? You will be excited to know, then, that Clawjob's new CD of 19th century concept rock is now available on cdbaby.com for just $8.49! While you're there, pick up a copy of Space Crackers for $9.99 and help make Clawjob richer!

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CLAWJOB BUYS EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS TO OLYMPIC EVENTS!

Some may think it mere chance that the 2008 Summer Olympics are happening right when Clawjob is preparing to release its new EP. Archaeological records, however, reveal that the ancient Greeks engineered the Olympics specifically to coincide with this historically momentous moment: here is an early Etruscan representation of Clawjob (the figure in black, of course) piercing the throat of a figure in white, who represents, scholars suggest, someone pathetic with their head on backwards, and terrible taste in music.

To commemorate the unification of the world in the spirit of sport, brotherhood, and copious corporate sponsorship, Clawjob has purchased the exclusive rights to your favorite Olympic events: aquatic archery and reverse tricycling! Speaking for Clawjob's promotional team, Karl Rove said, "With a new CD coming out, the band really wanted to pursue exciting new ways to leverage their brand. Mike and Nick have a lot of friends in the Chinese government, and with the Olympics happening over there this summer, the timing couldn't have been better!"

The band's deal includes a name change from "Aquatic Archery" to "Clawjob presents Aquatic Archery" and from "Reverse Tricycling" to "Clawjob's Homemade Reverse Tricycling brought to you by Manifest Destiny: Buy it!" Athletes will be required to wear Clawjob Brand sports attire (from the ClawSweat line). The band has also purchased exclusive broadcast rights so that the events will only be televised on Clawjob's private island. Clawjob also retains sole ownership and copyright claims over all statistics, world records, medals, and participants in these events.


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EXPENSIVE NEW CLAWJOB COMMERCIAL DEBUTS!

Celebrated French director Jean Personne, visionary behind such films as "Trop de Pépites" and "Mangez mon Visage," recently completed a groundbreaking advertisement for Clawjob's Manifest Destiny. The band is spending €15 million on an unprecended ad campaign built around this breathtaking commercial.

"We wanted to express the joy of music and the pain of existence," said the band, mid-coke binge, "and we wanted to make people really, really feel like giving us money."

Now, Clawjob.com visitors, you are treated to the first look at this high definition, widescreen piece of adverart. Be sure to spread the ad to all of your friends, family, and internet pseudofriends, for maximum Clawjob Cred Points.

Click here to see Jean Personne's Clawjob ad, The Face of Destiny!



POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 12:16 PM EST 00000102