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ALL MUSIC GUIDE DEEMS CLAWJOB COVER ART TOO INCREDIBLE FOR PUBLIC
September 5, 2008
The editors of the Internet's favorite music database, All Music Guide, have decided that the cover art for Clawjob's brand new EP, Manifest Destiny, is just too stunning to be viewed by those few who still frequent their site. Their massive collection of music information is already home to billions of album covers, and adding an album cover so clearly superior to the rest, they reasoned, would be unfair. Still, if they did not include any artwork with the entry for Clawjob's astounding new EP, their readers would surely revolt after straining their fingers in the marathon mouse-clicking sessions necessary to navigate the labyrinthine site structure, only to find an empty box where the album cover should be.
Cleverly, the team of music experts at AMG posted the back cover of Manifest Destiny, complete with bar code, as a compromise, proving their unparalleled competence in the realm of electronic music information archival. The editors even had their web development team ensure that the site loads extra slowly, so that those who are pregnant or faint of heart have ample time to get away from the screen before the shockingly great back cover appears. The staff of CLAWNET slowly claps at (and asks readers to join in, one by one, until the slow claps build into a wave of thunderous applause) the ingenuity of the team at All Music Guide!
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 02:00 PM EST
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CLAWJOB MAINFRAME INFECTED!
August 26, 2008
[BREAKING NEWS] Clawjob's mobile digital studio system, The Lappetoppe Deluxe, has been infected with a vicious piece of code designed by nefarious hackers to hurt the beloved band. Scientists on the scene compare the code to a virus for computers and have dubbed it "Infostrain Bacteri-X."
The attack on the band's mobile digital studio, or Modist, as it is known by insiders, has temporarily halted progress on new Clawjob recordings and has sent world economies tumbling. It is currently unknown if any Clawjob rarities have been permanently lost, but candlelight vigils have been scheduled around the globe tonight to pray for those hypothetically lost gems.
Journalists Will Spitz and Joe Bernardi are the prime suspects in this case as they were the last sub-Claw humans to set foot in Clawjob's studio, the Winter Island. Anyone with information on the whereabouts of these alleged information terrorists should contact clawjob @ clawjob.com as soon as possible.
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 12:04 PM EST
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RIAA ATTACKS CLAWJOB!
August 19, 2008
The RIAA and its demented, mindless drones have declared war on the Internet!
Angered by dwindling major label sales and driven insane with envy by the copious revenue flooding into Clawjob Global Omnicorp Unltd. (thanks to the recent release of Manifest Destiny), the RIAA and its underling puppet organizations have lain siege to the entire Internet! Recent casualties include:
● beloved streaming mixtape website Muxtape.com has temporarily disabled itself!
● flagship Internet radio website (and Clawjob-approved promotional mechanism) Pandora.com has acknowledged that it cannot afford to continue operations unless new Congressionally-approved royalty rates are recalculated! Read more about that here!
RIAA spokesman Agent_2346538 comments: "Clawjob's recent re-entry into the realm of recorded, purchasable music has sucked all revenue away from RIAA-branded artists and labels, and our Munificent Overlord will not suffer that indignity. He has sent us, His humble minions, onto the Internet to beat back the flood of artist-friendly websites and tools, and keep the hated independent bands where they belong: penniless, in the sewers. All hail the Supreme Overlord."
Clawjob greatly resents being scapegoated for the RIAA's flawed business model, and encourages all Clawjob fans to take a stand by writing sternly worded letters to their congresspeople, preferably on the backsides of Clawjob posters or the insides of Clawjob CDs!
Hot political action tip: covering your envelope with Clawjob stickers will make your ideas that much more likely to have an effect!
Together, we can preserve Clawjob's precious revenue streams for years to come!
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 11:16 AM EST
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ULTRA SWEATY NEW CLAWJOB PHOTOS POSTED!
August 18, 2008
Clawjob triumphantly returned to the world of live music on Friday, obliterating the dense and fleshy audience with a set full of loud, new songs. While most members of the crowd were reduced to puddles of brownish liquid and charred hair, a few lucky Clawjob fans escaped the sweltering stink of the Papercut Zine Library with limbs and digital cameras intact. As is the duty of all good Clawjob aficionados, these somewhat smoldering fans uploaded their pictures to the Clawjob photo pool on Flickr! Now, everyone can enjoy the sweat-drenched skin of Clawjob and the short shorts of their fans via the magichnology of the internet.
Also, an important reminder to Boston-area Clawjob fans: Manifest Destiny is on sale at Newbury Comics locations all week for just $4.99! You'll find copies of the EP easily upon entering the store; they will be located in the center of the mob of swooning teens and slack-jawed music journalists.
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 01:47 PM EST
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CLAWJOB PLAYS THE ZINE LIBRARY TONIGHT!
August 15, 2008
The live music meal you have been craving will be served tonight at the Papercut Zine Library in Cambridge, MA! Never before has such a perfect blend of ingredients been combined in one night of performances. Can't stay up late? That's okay, because this show starts at the early hour of 7pm! Only 8 years old? That's okay, because this show is all-ages! Dirt poor? That's okay, because at this show you can name your own admission price!
Joining Clawjob will be Ho-Ag, The Serious Geniuses, Bread & Roses, and the extremely new Dr. and Mrs. Van Der Trampp! Copies of Manifest Destiny will be available at the low, low cost of regular price. The Papercut Zine Library is located at 45 Mt. Auburn St. in Cambridge, MA.
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 11:21 AM EST
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STREAM MANIFEST DESTINY FOR FREE; SATISFY YOUR EAR HUNGER
August 14, 2008
If you are one of the millions of brain-dead idiots who, for some stupid, unbelievable lie of a reason, haven't heard Manifest Destiny, you are probably wondering what the hell it sounds like. The copious press about the record is indeed fawning (and the relevant authors have thereby secured minor government appointments in Clawjob's Impending World Order), but it doesn't say much about the (admittedly indescribable) music itself.
Well, take heart, pathetic lobotomy-case! Clawjob has granted subgroup F of the Clawjob Clawpals Internet Street Team permission to make Manifest Destiny streamable on the once great, now mostly atrocious, last.fm!
Go forth and stream the album for free, and avail yourselves of Manifest Destiny's:
a) passionately disgusted vocals
b) blistering guitar pyrotechnics
b2) dynastic fuzz bass tendencies
c) soul-scorching synthesizer excursions
d) arcane studio wizardry
Once you have experienced its complete aural majesty (or even before you finish, if the mood strikes you!), buy your own exquisitely packaged copy from the Clawjob store.
Then, don't forget to don your best speedo and come see Clawjob at the Zine Library on Friday!
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 11:29 AM EST
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CLAWJOB RELEASES MANIFEST DESTINY TODAY!
August 12, 2008
While the wise and heaven-bound fans who pre-ordered Clawjob's new EP have been enjoying the CD for days, the rest of the world has been drowning in its own saliva, breathlessly anticipating the official release day of Manifest Destiny.
Today is that day.
Featuring the hit opus "Diamond Hoax," Manifest Destiny is a concept EP exploring life in the 1800s through the medium of relentlessly awesome rock music. The handsomely packaged CD is now available for sale at the Clawjob store for just $7 (with free shipping!! (within North America!!!))!!!
Manifest Destiny is also available at Amazon.com (for just $7.99!!) and CDbaby.com (for the low price of $8.49!!). Fans in the Boston area can also purchase the EP at Newbury Comics, where it is on sale this week for just FIVE DOLLARS!
In whatever time you have left between buying the CD, listening to it, dreaming about it, and starting a religion based on it, be sure to spread Clawjob's artistic short film around the internet, and get pumped for Clawjob's live performance in Cambridge this Friday!
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 10:36 AM EST
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CLAWJOB NEWS MEGAROUNDUP!
August 8, 2008
There is so much Clawnews coming over the wire that CLAWNET has been forced to post multiple items in the same update! Feel the efficiency!
MANIFEST DESTINY PRE-ORDERS SHIP!
Fans of Clawjob have one more reason to wet their pants now that pre-order copies of the band's newest EP, Manifest Destiny, have started shipping! All pre-orders come with a brand new Clawjob sticker and a link to download exclusive, rare Clawjob MP3s. The official release date is August 12, so there are still a few days left for procrastinating music lovers to pre-order the album and get their beloved freebies!
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MANIFEST DESTINY NOW AVAILABLE ON CDBABY!
Want Manifest Destiny, but feel like Clawjob.com's price of $7 (with free shipping) is just too low? You will be excited to know, then, that Clawjob's new CD of 19th century concept rock is now available on cdbaby.com for just $8.49! While you're there, pick up a copy of Space Crackers for $9.99 and help make Clawjob richer!
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CLAWJOB BUYS EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS TO OLYMPIC EVENTS!
Some may think it mere chance that the 2008 Summer Olympics are happening right when Clawjob is preparing to release its new EP. Archaeological records, however, reveal that the ancient Greeks engineered the Olympics specifically to coincide with this historically momentous moment: here is an early Etruscan representation of Clawjob (the figure in black, of course) piercing the throat of a figure in white, who represents, scholars suggest, someone pathetic with their head on backwards, and terrible taste in music.
To commemorate the unification of the world in the spirit of sport, brotherhood, and copious corporate sponsorship, Clawjob has purchased the exclusive rights to your favorite Olympic events: aquatic archery and reverse tricycling! Speaking for Clawjob's promotional team, Karl Rove said, "With a new CD coming out, the band really wanted to pursue exciting new ways to leverage their brand. Mike and Nick have a lot of friends in the Chinese government, and with the Olympics happening over there this summer, the timing couldn't have been better!"
The band's deal includes a name change from "Aquatic Archery" to "Clawjob presents Aquatic Archery" and from "Reverse Tricycling" to "Clawjob's Homemade Reverse Tricycling brought to you by Manifest Destiny: Buy it!" Athletes will be required to wear Clawjob Brand sports attire (from the ClawSweat line). The band has also purchased exclusive broadcast rights so that the events will only be televised on Clawjob's private island. Clawjob also retains sole ownership and copyright claims over all statistics, world records, medals, and participants in these events.
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EXPENSIVE NEW CLAWJOB COMMERCIAL DEBUTS!
Celebrated French director Jean Personne, visionary behind such films as "Trop de Pépites" and "Mangez mon Visage," recently completed a groundbreaking advertisement for Clawjob's Manifest Destiny. The band is spending €15 million on an unprecended ad campaign built around this breathtaking commercial.
"We wanted to express the joy of music and the pain of existence," said the band, mid-coke binge, "and we wanted to make people really, really feel like giving us money."
Now, Clawjob.com visitors, you are treated to the first look at this high definition, widescreen piece of adverart. Be sure to spread the ad to all of your friends, family, and internet pseudofriends, for maximum Clawjob Cred Points.
Click here to see Jean Personne's Clawjob ad, The Face of Destiny!
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 12:16 PM EST
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FULL LINE-UP UNVEILED FOR 8/15 CLAWJOB SHOW!
August 4, 2008
Nearly a month has passed since Clawjob announced their upcoming megaton performance at Cambridge's Papercut Zine Library, and, in that time, rumors have slithered across the globe concerning the identity of the "secret mystery band." After last week's Zine Riots, in which firefighters had to turn their hoses on Clawjob fans driven violent with curiosity, Clawjob has decided to reveal the identity of the secret guests.
We are obligated to announce that Boston's very own Ho-Ag will be joining Clawjob, The Serious Geniuses, and Bread and Roses at N.O.S.H. '08, as well as the brand new act Dr. and Mrs. Van Der Trampp. Doors open at 7pm, all ages are welcome, and there is a suggested donation of $5-10.
Clawjob will be playing a set of nearly all-new material, including most if not all of the critically acclaimed new EP Manifest Destiny (if you have not ordered a copy yet, click here now you lazy scumbag!), and they will certainly be playing the hit new single, "Diamond Hoax."
There are no advance tickets for this venue so be sure to show up on-time and ready to expend copious amounts of sweat and money!
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 01:42 PM EST
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CLAWJOB GIVES BACK TO MUSIC BLOGGERS EVERYWHERE
July 31, 2008
As the release date for Manifest Destiny approaches, Clawjob wants to ease the minds of press representatives and music bloggers everywhere. It is surely very intimidating to attempt commentary upon such a towering monolith of artistic brilliance as Manifest Destiny. Clawjob can only imagine how you must feel, knowing that your worth as a writer and your astuteness as a cultural observer will be assessed by future generations based on how effectively you captured the grandeur of this, Clawjob's new EP. It must be what it felt like to write the Gospels.
Fortunately, Clawjob is here to provide assistance as you struggle to adequately revere Manifest Destiny. Just fill in the blanks as required, cut and paste onto your blog/newspaper, and sit back, confident that your historical position as a Clawjob supporter is firmly documented.
Fill-in-the-blanks Manifest Destiny review | Note to bloggers/reviewers: replace all red text.
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Clawjob's Manifest Destiny is, unquestionably, the finest record to have crossed the desk of [YOUR BLOG NAME HERE] this year, and perhaps the finest record we've EVER heard. In fact, it's hard to believe that one single compact disc is capable of containing so much [SYNONYM FOR BEAUTY] and [SYNONYM FOR TRAGEDY]. The EP is an expansive yet focused look at the United States in the 1800s. Each song is its own bundle of excellence, and the sum of the songs is a concept piece so real, so biting, that its totality can only be compared to [SYNONYM FOR THE VAST ENTIRETY OF ALL CREATION].
Choosing a favorite song from Manifest Destiny is [SYNONYM FOR IMPOSSIBLE]. This record is absolutely bulletproof. And the performances are glorious as well: the guitars snarl like [OBSCURE BAND FROM THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST] on [ILLEGAL PSYCHOTROPIC SUBSTANCE] and the bass thumps like a crazed [PREHISTORIC CREATURE]. The vocals... well let's just say that each [SYNONYM FOR HANDSOME] member of Clawjob sends a shiver up the spine that feels like your [SLANG TERM FOR TESTICLES] are being delicately tickled by an angel. The drums are played with the precision of [LARGE NUMBER] tightrope walkers balancing on a single [EXTREMELY THIN THING, POSSIBLY "TIGHTROPE"] and the lyrics are more emotive than the words of [FAMOUS ROMANTICIST POET]. Yet throughout, the social critique remains more incisive than even the best moments in [YOUR FAVORITE BERTOLT BRECHT PLAY].
Consider the lyrics to [SONG TITLE], in which [BAND MEMBER] sings "[AWKWARDLY EXTRACTED, OUT-OF-CONTEXT LYRICAL SNIPPET]." Never before have so few words conveyed so much blindingly brilliant truth. The rest of the EP's lyrics, all on the subject of America in the 19th century (who knew this topic would contain the answers to all of my life's questions?) are up to the same standard: perfection. Expect, but do not fear, the sudden geyser of joy-vomit that will erupt from your gaping foodhole when the wisdom contained within these words strikes your ears.
Let it be noted that my good friend [REVIEWER'S MOST FAMOUS TENUOUS SOCIAL ACQUAINTANCE] collapsed into tears of rapture immediately upon hearing this record, so don't say I didn't warn you: Manifest Destiny is a visceral artistic voyage, and a powerful statement. But that's exactly what this world needs right now. This record would be a bargain even if it cost $120,000, as it will undoubtedly broaden your intellectual and spiritual horizons in ways that would outstrip even the best college education... but at 7 dollars, every human being on this planet should own several copies.
You must purchase Clawjob's Manifest Destiny from the Clawjob store or from Amazon.com right now!
RATING: [WHATEVER YOUR PUBLICATION USES FOR ABJECT PERFECTION]
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 02:40 PM EST
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FIERY NEW CLAWJOB PHOTOS POSTED!
July 24, 2008
On a recent midnight nature walk through the verdant forests of Clawjob's private island (a long-practiced Clawjob pre-show ritual), the duo decided to inspect the quality of the imported luxury twigs that had recently been strewn across the woodland floor.
To no surprise, the twigs spontaneously burst into bright, sparkling flame at the touch of Clawjob's skin. Fueled by pure inspiration and genius, the twigs burned to a puff of valuable diamond ash in just a few seconds.
Luckily, Clawjob's staff photographer Steve was on hand to capture the moment of combustion and upload the photos to Clawjob's privately owned photo site, Flickr. Click on the image below to be whisked to the Clawjob photostream, where you can see bigger versions and an alternate take. Magazine and newspaper publishers take note: feel free to print these photos as largely and as glossily as is possible.
While you're here, don't forget to pre-order another copy of Clawjob's new EP, Manifest Destiny! Every pre-order comes with a free sticker and is personally blessed by the band.
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 02:42 PM EST
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CLAWJOB PLAYS CAMBRIDGE, MA, AUGUST 15!
July 23, 2008
On August 15, 2008, Clawjob will return to the stage after a ten month break, ready to unleash their new EP Manifest Destiny upon the universe. This show, at the Papercut Zine Library in Cambridge, also features the scandalous rock music stylings of The Serious Geniuses, Bread & Roses, and a secret mystery band sure to rock you to jelly. Suggested donation is $5-10, and this event is for all ages. More details about the show should begin to pop up here. Clear everything off your calendar now!
Begin the process of getting psyched for Clawjob's return by pre-ordering the mighty new EP, Manifest Destiny! As any self-respecting lover of culture knows, Clawjob's Manifest Destiny is a landmark achievement in conceptual history rock. Its songs explore the vast expanses of 19th century America via a rock-fueled locomotive of pain. Pre-order at the Clawjob store and receive a beautiful sticker for free with your order. Pre-order at Amazon.com and receive nothing but amazing music that is guaranteed to make you cry!
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 05:10 PM EST
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NEW CLAWJOB CD, MANIFEST DESTINY, IS AVAILABLE FOR PRE-ORDER!
July 7, 2008
Rejoice! CLAWNET is proud to announce that world-smashing rock-and-roll monolith Clawjob is releasing its second CD, a concept EP entitled Manifest Destiny, on August 12, 2008! Manifest Destiny is a musical exploration of 19th-century America. Its six songs touch upon the Civil War, the Great Diamond Hoax of 1872, the Industrial Revolution, and more! Rock junkies and academics alike will be satisfied as never before, because Clawjob has infused this EP with crunchily diseased guitars, viciously abused drums, and excitingly humiliated synthesizers! Download the first single, "Diamond Hoax," right now!
Those with good taste can pre-order Manifest Destiny now (for just $7!!) from the Clawjob Store and receive a free sticker and a pack of exclusive Clawjob MP3s! Those with a deep-seated fear of the unknown can pre-order the album from Amazon.com and receive no freebies at all!
Clawjob will be playing its first show since October 2007 on August 15, at the Zine Library in Cambridge, MA. Be sure to pre-order your very own copy of Manifest Destiny so that you can know all of the songs by heart before seeing them played live, brilliantly, before your eyes.
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 12:17 PM EST
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CLAWJOB OFFERS THE ENTIRETY OF "SPACE CRACKERS" FOR FREE DOWNLOAD
July 5, 2008
In a frenzied burst of jingoistic July-4th-weekend vitriol, Clawjob has decided to make the entirety of their multi-platinum-selling debut record, Space Crackers, available for free download!
"Once you've sold 52 million copies," said Clawjob spokesblob Karl Rove, "giving away a few downloads to the tired and weary huddled masses yearning to hear Clawjob is the only truly American thing to do."
To maintain the patriotic spirit, Clawjob is employing America's favorite RIAA-intimidating file-sharing methodology, BitTorrent, to allow you to download Space Crackers quickly and easily (two other things America loves!).
Click here to download Space Crackers in its entirety, for free! (You will need a BitTorrent client to do this! Go to bittorrent.com for more information.)
Rove continues, "Clawjob would like to remind consumers that CD copies of Space Crackers are still available for purchase from the Clawjob store, and that the band still supports and encourages all forms of Clawjob-related capitalism. To that effect, consumers who download Space Crackers via the above link will have the option to donate money directly to Clawjob, as a form of fiscal recognition for the brain-melting they just received."
Stay tuned for news regarding Clawjob's next release, due in August of 2008!
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 02:49 PM EST
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NEW CLAWJOB SONG AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD!
May 30, 2008
Recently, Clawjob was asked by the Compound 440R Collective to contribute a song to their 2008 compilation of amazing music. Clawjob, ever generous, sent one of their cyborg servants to the vault of recordings to fetch a precious, previously unheard track for the CD. After the fine people of Compound 440R handed over the full payment of one pair of solid gold, monogrammed all terrain vehicles, Clawjob's "I'm So Hateful" was unleashed upon an unprepared world!
Since Clawjob's next album will not be available until the third quarter of the fiscal year, the band would now like to present you with the soundtrack for your summer, "I'm So Hateful," for free download! This track will not be featured on Clawjob's next CD; it exists only to entertain, enlighten, and to lubricate the wallets of Clawjob fans everywhere for future transactions.
Download "I'm So Hateful"
Visit Compound 440R and get their compilation when they eventually post about it
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 12:51 PM EST
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PERFORMER MAG SPILLS BEANS ON CLAWJOB'S "SHOCKINGLY RELEVANT" UPCOMING CD!
April 2, 2008
Succeeding where countless journalists have failed, Northeast Performer Magazine's top reporters recently managed to lure Clawjob out of the studio for an interview by enticing the band with the aroma of slowly roasting hundred dollar bills.
In a cover story by writer C.D Di Guardia, the band divulges sensitive information regarding their upcoming compact disc release, including its alleged title and concept. These newly declassified datanuggets have sent seismic waves of speculation across the internet.
Inquisitive music lovers can find the article here. Free physical copies of the magazine can supposedly be found in and around the city of Boston. Notes of gratitude for reporting on the true modern masters of rock should be sent to The Northeast Performer.
NOTICE! Clawjob would like to offer the following corrections.
● The article refers to Clawjob's next release as both a "full-length" and an "EP." This is an understandable error, as the new Clawjob CD is actually an EP with an LP's worth of brilliance.
● Northeast Performer claims that the next release is "based on the Civil War." The upcoming Clawjob release is built upon an even larger, even mightier concept than this. What the writer is probably trying to say is that a new, global civil war may be ignited by Clawjob's unprecedentedly powerful new music.
● The writer describes Clawjob as "a creative duo that loves the excitement of the behind-the-scenes creative process," when in actuality Clawjob find the creative process a tedious precursor to the joy of making money. The band hopes to outsource the creative process as soon as possible.
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 12:59 PM EST
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THE BATHROOM READER CELEBRATES CLAWJOB'S SUCCESS!
March 20, 2008
In yet another in a series of honors, Clawjob has had its legacy cemented by the world's foremost lexicon of rock lore, Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Plunges into Music!
The wise editors of this venerated tome have included Clawjob's science fiction rock opera Space Crackers in a short list of greatest flop concept albums in history!
In a bold, forward-thinking move, these great compilers of rock legend have taken it upon themselves to alter the plot of Space Crackers in their synopsis, so as to preserve the album's mystery for the sad few who have not yet heard it.
You can purchase a copy of the book here, and do not resist adding five of these to every order!
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 10:02 PM EST
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EXCLUSIVE CLAWJOB STUDIO REPORT!
March 12, 2008
C.L.A.W.N.E.T. has received, via electromagnetic telegraph, an exclusive in-studio report from Clawjob! The band is currently recording at The Winter Island, and had until now operated in total silence regarding their progress. Enjoy, for the first time, a brain-shattering look into Clawjob's recording process, and savor the exclusive nuggets of information contained therein!
"Arrived late today. Had to deal with a certain problem employee of Claw Solutions who was found with his arm halfway up the snack machine. Maybe next time he will look at his stump and think about the difference between right and wrong.
We got right to work on a new track called [SENSITIVE INFORMATION DELETED] that features such loud [SENSITIVE INFORMATION DELETED] our fans are sure to liken it to [SENSITIVE INFORMATION DELETED]. The track's production, we decided, wasn't evocative enough of [SENSITIVE INFORMATION DELETED]'s theme, so we had the very expensive tapes destroyed and set about recording version #73 of [SENSITIVE INFORMATION DELETED]. #73 didn't quite do it, so before breaking for dinner we tried again with #74, which turned out to be the most beautiful, heart-stomping piece of music ever recorded. Confident that our target consumers would pay untold sums for the various collector's edition singles of [SENSITIVE INFORMATION DELETED], we called upon our personal chef to review the evening's gastronomical delights. We found ourselves bored by the unending onslaught of fine dining, so we were enthused to hear that a handful of loving fans had stopped by the studio, armed with delicious home-cooked meals for our consumption. We called down to the front desk and said that, yes, we would accept their gifts, but, fans or not, they must submit to the maximally invasive strip and cavity search with mandatory pesticide spray.
We enjoyed our hearty meal of potatoes, vegan gravy, and porkface while the fans were subjected to our security team's enhanced interrogation techniques and then sent home with pre-signed color eight by tens. We settled in for another few minutes of mixing and knob tweaking before retiring to our private cheese buffet and pastry bar.
The pace of our studio miracle-making is grueling, and we will return to The Winter Island for thirty minutes a day, twice a week, until our masterpiece is complete.
~~CLAWJOB"
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 01:02 AM EST
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CLAWJOB BACK IN THE STUDIO!
March 6, 2008
After years spent soaking up the opulent life provided by the mammoth profits from Space Crackers, Clawjob has finally re-entered the studio to work on new music! Although Space Crackers was recorded at the lush April Fog space in Cambridge, Massachusetts, Clawjob is working on their new material at their own space in Brighton, called The Winter Island. While the band is not yet ready to reveal the nature of their upcoming work of musical greatness, they have released a batch of photos from the current sessions.
More of these exclusive and insightful photos can be found in the Clawjob Flickr pool.
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 08:45 PM EST
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WARNING: DO NOT RECITE CLAWJOB LYRICS OUT LOUD
February 25, 2008
WARNING!
In the wake of Clawjob's recent publication of their lyrics on the Internet, hospitals worldwide are reporting an exponential increase in cases of spontaneous cranial combustion.
Top scientists have long known that Clawjob lyrics, previously only available to loyal Clawjobites who purchased hard copies of Space Crackers, contain so much primordial destructive force that the average human skull cannot withstand the pronouncement of the glorious words.
It is now theorized that the aforementioned consumption of Clawjob merchandise serves an important adaptive function in grooming the skull to maintain structural integrity even during the most passionate sing-alongs, and that the new widespread availability of Clawjob lyrics has caused a flurry of gruesome fatalities to innocent victims who have not taken this preventative step.
In light of this new information, C.L.A.W.N.E.T. advises you to proceed carefully while memorizing Clawjob lyrics and scrawling them onto the ceiling above your bed.
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 03:27 PM EST
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DOWNLOAD CLAWJOB MASTERPIECES ON AMAZON!
February 5, 2008
Clawjob, currently hard at work on a future work of genius, is proud obligated to announce mention that their breakthrough rock opera Space Crackers is now available for sale at Amazon.com's MP3 download store!
The whole album costs $8.99 (compared to $9.99 on itunes), the tracks are encoded at 256 kbs, and (despite Clawjob's love for draconian control of the consumer) everything is DRM-free.
Or you could buy the actual CD from the Clawjob store for just $10 with free shipping. As long as money moves from your pocket to Clawjob's vault, everyone is happy!
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 12:37 PM EST
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SOCIETY OF CLAWJOB AFICIONADOS EXPERIENCES OVERWHELMING DEMAND!
January 20, 2008
The I.S.O.C.A.U.B.P.F.D.V.T.P.S. (international society of Clawjob aficionados, united by promotional freebies delivered via the postal service) has experienced such a raging surge of demand since its unveiling in November 2007 that the band has been forced to announce a temporary hold on new members, effective immediately.
"Although we are constantly aware of our morbidly obese level of popularity, times such as this serve to remind us that our fame knows not even the bounds of the imagination of a million godbrains," says the band in a statement released to the press today.
Clawjob has tasked the Consumer Relations division of its corporation with reworking the exceedingly popular fan club/promotion tool to allow its ranks to stretch beyond infinity.
In the meantime, non-free goods can be purchased with money in the Clawjob store.
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 09:56 PM EST
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CLAWJOB SENDS HOLIDAY CARD TO THE WORLD!
December 25, 2007
*CLAWNET would like to note that those who signed up for Clawjob's mailing list have already received a beautiful, machine-made, limited edition printograph of this exclusive artwork, and that if you have not signed up for the mailing list by now, you should probably feel like a jerk.
**Do not forget that the Clawjob store accepts all forms of gifted holiday money!
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 01:03 AM EST
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CLAWJOB OPENS NEW ONLINE STORE! ECONOMY SAVED!
December 10, 2007
Clawjob, ever-obsessed with greasing the wheels of commerce, has announced the opening of a slick, new online store! To celebrate, and to push their holiday season sales numbers to record highs, the band has also authorized a winter sale on all t-shirts and a new, lower price on Space Crackers, the brilliant science fiction rock opera.
"Anything we can do to help people help us upgrade our yachts—we think that's a worthy cause," says band member Nick Burgess, sipping elephant tusk tea next to Clawjob's C-shaped, carbonated swimming pool. "The holiday season is a time for buying, and Mike and I are big believers in the power of a strong fourth quarter."
In a written statement, band member Mike Gintz says, "We have signed off on a number of contracts to bring exciting, new products to our online retail space, including pins, throwing stars, and a fashionable t-shirt featuring our lovable corporate icon, Clawdius."
The winter sale on t-shirts will only be active for a limited time, so order as many t-shirts as you can as soon as possible! Explore the vast expanses of Clawjob's new online store right now by clicking here!
*Note to Clawjob fans outside the USA: Celebrate the weak dollar by buying tons of cheap Clawjob merchandise! God bless America!
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 04:06 PM EST
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GIVE THANKS! CLAWJOB TO SEND FANS A FEAST OF FREE STUFF!
November 20, 2007
Lovers of Clawjob have one more Clawjob-related reason to give thanks this year as Clawjob unleashes a brilliant new idea upon the world! The band describes its invention as a club for fans, or as they call it, an "international society of Clawjob aficionados, united by promotional freebies delivered via the postal service!"
Clawjob is setting aside its trademark class discrimination and is making this I.S.O.C.A.U.B.P.F.D.V.T.P.S. open to everyone! All you have to do is click the link below and fill out the form to subscribe and get free stuff in the mail! From newsletters, exclusive artwork, and lyrics to photos, music, and piles of cash*, you'll get a little of everything! Join now, as the band promises hints vaguely that they will might send out the first mailing before the winter holidays.
CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP FOR FREE CLAWJOB DELIGHTS!!!
*Piles of cash currently out of stock.
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 12:18 AM EST
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BREATHTAKING IMAGES FROM LAST WEEK'S CLAWJOB SHOW POSTED!
November 5, 2007
If for some reason you haven't been checking the Clawjob photo pool on flickr daily (maybe you sustained some kind of gory headwound and have only limited brain function left), head over there right now and marvel at the beauty that is Clawjob live! A steaming pile of photos were taken at the concert last week in Cambridge, MA, and this is your opportunity to see the studly bods of your favorite band without the massive inner ear trauma of the Clawjob live experience.
Here are a few sample photos to get you salivating. The rest of this feast for the eyes is located right here! Be awesome and admire us!
Don't forget that you can drop your own photos in the Clawjob photo pool too! It's almost like being part of something!
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 11:04 PM EST
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CLAWJOB DECIMATES THE MIDDLE EAST! MONDAY NIGHT!
October 28, 2007
Clawjob will be destroying exactly 10% of the Middle East Club in Cambridge in less than 24 hours! If you still haven't made your final arrangements to attend this concert, be warned that everyone outside of the club at showtime will be vulnerable to the deadly clawvirus™ that Clawjob will be unleashing upon the world at the exact moment their set begins. Do the smart thing, be safe, and rock with Clawjob, The Sound of Urchin, School for Robots, and The Blue Pages, Monday night!!
The Middle East!
8PM! 18+!
$10!
Free CDs for all!
Yes!
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 08:32 PM EST
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CLAWJOB LAYS WASTE TO CAMBRIDGE 10/29 WITH THE SOUND OF URCHIN!
October 4, 2007
Cancel all your plans and head to the Middle East club in Cambridge, MA on October 29! Clawjob is joining forces with The Sound of Urchin, School for Robots, and The Blue Pages to form the deadliest weapon of mass rock destruction ever created!
It's just $9 to get in if you buy tickets in advance ($10 at the door!), and that not only gets you The Sound of Urchin's new full-length album on compact disc, but also a valuable copy of Clawjob's rare CD, Space Crackers! That's 2 albums and a life-changing live performance for just $9! Think of the value! It would cost you five hundred times that amount for a single human kidney on the Turkish black market!
More details are avalailable here. A bigger version of this thought-provoking poster is in the extended entry.
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