The Eagle of Nonrelentment
Clawjob
The Eagle of Profit
Bing bong.
   

News


NEXT SHOW: Currently busy writing and recording a new album.

HANDWRITTEN LIST OF NEW CLAWJOB SONGS!
July 1, 2009



The studio white board.

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 03:34 PM EST 00000136 

CLAWJOB ON THE INTERNET UPDATE ROUND UP!
May 5, 2009

There's been a lot modicum of Clawjob-related activity on the internet lately. This post is a handy, one-stop guide to it all! Intelligent web surfers are advised to print this page and keep it in their wallets at all times.

SPLAT! If you haven't seen it already, Clawjob released a new music video comic book for "Slice Me Up." The song is available as a free MP3, too!

BLAM! Clawjob is teaching the whole world how to sing on Clawjob's blip.fm station. Sign up and experience the joy! It's like Twitter with music.

SLAM! Speaking of which, Clawjob is also on Twitter. As soon as the band gets 100 followers on the service, they have vowed to buy a hot dog for one of them, chosen at random. Get in on this amazing offer while you can!

POW! Nick was interviewed by the Sun Journal. Informative? Hard to say! Read it and find out for yourself.

KAZAM! 3 years late to the party, Plan Zero Blog has posted a review of Space Crackers in which they correctly refer to the album as "musical genius."

BAWHA? Clawjob will have a new song on an upcoming compilation, which should be available as a free download soon. Check back!

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 12:47 PM EST 00000135 

CLAWJOB DEBUTS NEW "SLICE ME UP" GRAPHIC MUSIC VIDEO!
April 29, 2009

The long-awaited music video for "Slice Me Up," from Clawjob's concept EP Manifest Destiny, premieres today at clawjob.com/slicemeup and YouTube! The video, which documents an energetic performance by the band in a crowded arena, was filmed in ground-breaking Graphic Music © format, allowing the band to also offer the performance as a digital comic book! And for a savory brown sauce of rock on top of all this, the song has been made available as a free MP3 download, so you can listen to it all the time, forever!

Get your first look at the video right here!


To achieve the beautiful sequential art style, the band spent forty million dollars hiring 400 of the best comic book artists in the world to collaborate on the video's design. The results, despite consisting of the best artwork ever put to paper, were deemed unsatisfactory by Clawjob, who then did all of the artwork themselves.

"Slice Me Up" is the second track from Clawjob's historical concept EP, Manifest Destiny. The song details the plight of a soldier experiencing the ups and downs of Civil War battlefield surgery. The EP is available for sale at the Clawjob store, Amazon (CD and digital), and iTunes.

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 09:25 AM EST 00000134 

CLAWJOB IS NOW ON BLIP.FM! WHAT THE HELL IS BLIP.FM?
April 29, 2009

As last.fm speeds over the edge of a cliff, tenderly holding hands with CBS, Clawjob continues its quest to join every new and interesting social music site. The latest site to take the sacred rites and be inducted into the Clawjob family is blip.fm. Blip can easily and fairly accurately be described as "twitter with music," and Clawjob has already slammed its steel gauntlet-clad fist right into blip's face.

Befriend Clawjob on blip, and you too can hear hot steamed music nuggets from Clawjob, Tristan da Cunha, Project X, Ho-Ag, Beatallica, and whatever else the band deems suitable for your ear violation.

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 01:19 AM EST 00000133 

PREVIEW A SINGLE FRAME OF CLAWJOB'S NEW MUSIC VIDEO!
April 28, 2009

From the scorching bowels of their state-of-the-art editing suite, Clawjob has sent along a single frame preview of their very-soon-to-be-released new music video! The band answered any further request for details with a swift kneecap punch.

OFFICIAL CLAW SOLUTIONS ENIGMATIC TEASER FRAME:


According to the band, who is in no way the entity writing this news story, this intriguing video of mystery will be released soon.

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 12:51 AM EST 00000132 

FOLLOW CLAWJOB ON TWITTER AND WIN BIG PRIZES!*
April 17, 2009

As Clawjob prepares to record an epic new album, the band's fans crave a 24-hour flow of updates about the writing and recording process. Knowing this, the band has created an account on twitter, where you can read all of this very important news as it happens. Recent twoots such as "Pargon pargon pargon" have left the internet in a state of exuberant hysteria and speculation. Old religions were dissolved and new religions rose in their wake when Clawjob posted that a "new Clawjob song is dripping with sadness and smothered in a smoky vengeance sauce." Fans were overjoyed at the ferocity with which Clawjob sold out when they asked the world to "try delicious new Petrolly'Yums candy! Mmmmm greasy! Comes in a collectible plastic oil drum." The internet does not get more essential than this!

Become a follower of Clawjob's twitter feed today, and experience the twoots as they happen!

*The big prizes are the unprecedented emotions you may feel upon getting blasted with a thought-provoking twoot. No purchase necessary!

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 09:57 AM EST 00000131 

CLAWJOB CURATES, APPEARS ON, AND GIVES AWAY A NEW COMPILATION CD!
April 12, 2009

Clawjob, lovers of music and self-promotion, have assembled a new compilation of 20 of the finest Boston rock bands (including Clawjob!*) to be given away for free at shows, stores, and generally awesome spots around town. The CD, Winter is Cold, features a lovable yeti mascot on the front cover, and the luxurious glossy finish on its eco-packaging will call out to you in your dreams, "take me, take me!" The Boston Phoenix recently snagged a copy, and said that "with its panoramic snapshot of this particular moment in Boston's noisier quarters, Winter Is Cold is far more than a sampler — it could very well be a staple."



This compilation CD is only available in Boston or at performances of the acts featured on the disc, so CLAWNET's Empathy Metrics Unit understands that distant fans may feel disappointment and/or anger at the lack of new, free compilation in their lives. To rectify these feelings, E.M.U. has advised CLAWNET to make Winter is Cold available online: DOWNLOAD YOUR FREE WINTER IS COLD COMP RIGHT HERE!

Residents of Boston and its immediate surroundings can find copies at Newbury Comics, Herrell's, Mr. Music, New England Comics, Horror Business, and other such places frequented by the cream of the city's hipster crop.


*also featuring
Tristan da Cunha

Reports

Brutal Love Masters

Neptune

The Big Disappointments

Night Driving

Animal Hospital

Meanings

Helms

Piles

Thunderhole

Paper Thin Stages

Summerduck

Concord Ballet Orchestra Players

Magic People

The Measuremen

The Red Royal

Dr. & Mrs. Van Der Trampp



[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 09:16 PM EST 00000130 

FREE CLAWJOB T-SHIRTS AT FRIDAY'S SHOW!
March 19, 2009

The Claw Solutions executives in charge of branding and new products have decided that, in order to prepare Clawjob for the release of new material in the following year, all old merchandise must be liquidated or destroyed! For the penniless, topless fan, this means free t-shirts! At this Friday's show at P.A.'s Lounge in Somerville, MA, Clawjob will be offering their entire stock of shirts for free to attendees!

Many pictures of the shirts can be found at the Clawjob Store.

This will be the last Clawjob show for quite a while! Do whatever you can to make it to this historic event!



[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 01:26 PM EST 00000129 

CLAWJOB PLAYS LAST SHOW FOR A WHILE ON FRIDAY!
March 18, 2009

Clawjob, in need of more time for writing and lounging, will be ending the super successful March '09 tour this Friday, March 20, with a performance at Somerville's P.A.'s Lounge. This is the second time Clawjob has played at this venue, so expect the band to be comfortable and in top rocking form!

The show is 18+, doors open at 8:30PM, and tickets are $8 for those 21 and over or $11 for those under 21. Also playing are Guillermo Sexo, Seana Carmody, and Patrons of Sweet. If you want to see Clawjob live anytime soon, go to this show!

Famous textartiste Jean Bean Gualliter designed a poster for this night, limited to 10 prints, which he is selling for $5,000 each, signed, at his Geocities page. Below is the free, digital version.





[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 09:37 AM EST 00000128 

CLAWJOB ANNOUNCES M/F.S.EXCHANGE FOR OVERSEAS FANS!
March 10, 2009



With the world charging head first into a global economic depression, Clawjob is unveiling a new program to help relieve the financial burden of Clawjob fans everywhere: M/F.S.EXCHANGE! M/F.S.EXCHANGE (The Clawjob Merchandise / Foreign Snack Exchange Program) is an exciting new way to acquire Clawjob merchandise at unprecedentedly low cost to non-American lovers of fine music.

Here's how it works!

You, a Clawjob fan living outside of the United States, go to the local seller of snack food and purchase a handful of delicious, regional treats. You email clawjob@clawjob.com with the subject line "M/F.S.EXCHANGE ADDRESS" and a few words of praise. Shortly thereafter, you will receive an email containing the current address of Clawjob's mobile candy acceptance base, and a packing slip. You carefully pack the candy, ship it to Clawjob, and await a shipment of official band merchandise of your choice!

Imported snacks are very expensive in Boston, and Clawjob's refined tastes demand an ever-increasing supply of Lion bars, Walker's Monster Munch, and Hello Panda. Based on these facts, the Fair And Trustworthy Clawjob Accounting Team (FATCAT) has concocted a very favorable exchange rate of just 2 candy bars per CD for the M/F.S.EXCHANGE program!

Check out some new photos in Clawjob's Flickr pool to see just how malnourished the band has become, and just how badly they need to fatten up on food from your home country!

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 10:31 AM EST 00000127 

REMINDER: CLAWJOB PLAYS AN EARLY BIRD SPECIAL TONIGHT, MARCH 3! AT CHURCH!
March 2, 2009

Tonight, Tuesday, March the third of 2009, Clawjob will play the most elderly-friendly show of their career at Church of Boston. Not only is this show 21+, thereby ensuring a young rapscallion-free evening, and not only is this show at an incredibly wholesomely-named venue, but Clawjob will be playing first, well before your nursing home curfew! The band will be playing a mix of months-old favorites and exciting, new compositions sure to set your heart on fire, literally, with blowtorches. A good, burning flesh-smelling time is sure to be had by all who attend.

Doors open at 7pm (supposedly), and admission is $5 (supposedly). Church is located at 69 Kilmarnock Street, deep in the armpit of the Fenway area of Boston. These same details can also be found here!

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 11:13 PM EST 00000126 

ATTEND CHURCH WITH CLAWJOB ON MARCH THE THIRD!
February 24, 2009

On Tuesday, March 3, Clawjob will be playing the coveted opening slot at a show at Church in Boston. Doors open at 7PM, and Clawjob is playing first, so take advantage of this rare early bird special and invite grandma for a night of hip-shattering, hearing aid-melting rock and roll! And after Clawjob's set, stay for three bonus bands (The Measuremen, Eddy and the Louvers, and The Silver City) at no additional cost!

This show is for people twenty-one years of age or older, and entry will be granted upon the payment of five American dollars. Impress your cyberfriends by signing up for the show at Clawjob's fresh new Facebook page!



[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 10:57 AM EST 00000125 

PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE NEW CLAWJOB DEMO ON FACEBOOK!
February 11, 2009

Recently, a Claw Solutions intern broke into Clawjob's secret audio vault and stole an armload of precious, raw Clawjob demo tapes! This unsavory intellectual property thief then posted one of these rough tracks, "Living Fossil," on the Clawjob facebook page! While this never-before-heard, tantalizingly fresh peek at the future of Clawjob music rocks hotter than a thousand suns, Claw Solutions officials urge you not to click over to Facebook right now and listen to this unpolished audio gem! And certainly do not add yourself as a fan of the band while doing so!

The track will be left online for the immediate future as a reminder to other Claw Solutions employees not to break the bonds of their contracts, lest they suffer the same fate as their ex-coworker (termination, legal action, head on pike).

Clawjob's lawyers would like to add that the "Living Fossil" demo on Facebook is definitely not a sign of the awesomeness of Clawjob's next album, and is surely not a taste of the brutality of Clawjob's current live show.

Clawjob would like to thank their fans for ignoring this totally unauthorized bootleg!

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 02:17 PM EST 00000124 

SURRENDER TO CLAWJOB ON FACEBOOK!
January 13, 2009

As you can probably imagine, the raw power of Clawjob is simply too much for one self-indulgent social networking site to contain. That's why Clawjob has a profile (or "web presence," as they call it in the biz) on Myspace, Bebo, as well as an outdated profile on Virb, a profile on Tagworld that has apparently evaporated, and various other existences on various other websites nobody ever looks at.

But now C.L.A.W.N.E.T. has brought Clawjob's particular brand magic to that ever-popular ground zero of making-uncomfortable-small-talk-with-people-you-forgot-about: FACEBOOK!

Facebook's clever interface and nefarious intrusion into the private lives of all its members entice Clawjob greatly. Become a slavering Clawjob fan on this web of lies and prepare yourself for even more complete assimilation!

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 09:51 AM EST 00000123 

WHY YOU SHOULD GO SEE CLAWJOB SHOWS
January 6, 2009

All humans, except for those who don't enjoy pleasure, are advised to go to T.T. the Bear's Place on Wednesday, January 7 to see Clawjob perform with Guillermo Sexo, The Red Royal, and The Modern Voice. The band did a question and answer session with HeadsUpBoston to promote the show, and the resulting article is full of intriguing Clawnuggets.

On a related note, it has come to our attention that many Clawjob fans, understandably content with the perfection of their collection of Clawjob studio recordings, do not realize the extent to which Clawjob's live performances offer even better perfection! The interns at C.L.A.W.N.E.T. have put together an uncomprehensive list of reasons to attend Clawjob shows that should make high-velocity fountains of blood shoot from the eyes of even the most austere music fan.


1. INTIMACY!

Those in attendance get to experience the thrill of being in the same room as Clawjob, breathing the same air and smelling the same strange odors. Clawjob's live sound is loud enough to vibrate your pants molecules, instantly, into the parking lot, reconstituted into a thick, denim fog. You will not be able to experience this from the comfort of your own home (unless, of course, we play a show in your living room (contact clawjob@clawjob.com for booking info)).

2. EXCLUSIVITY!

Clawjob writes new music at a furious pace (a few albums worth in 2008), and, due to Clawjob's fickle whims, much of it will never make it to recorded form. Many of these rare songs of mystery are, however, played in concert. Observe a handful of tantalizing titles of songs that Clawjob has played live that you, homebound reader, have never heard!

  • Yancy Stanford and the Curse of the Ghost Buffalo ← Intriguing!

  • Minnesota Ice Man

  • Don't Kick The Corpse

  • One Hundred Hexillion Dollars To Blow Up Planet Earth ← What a deliciously evocative title!

  • Nandi Bear

  • Living Fossil ← This song surely must be great!

  • Red Headband

  • Reasons To Be Miserable ← Will Clawjob ever play this again? Probably not!

  • And more!



Missing even a single Clawjob show means you might never, ever get to hear your favorite song!

3. AFFORDABILITY!

If you never go to Clawjob shows, you will miss some amazing sales on Clawjob brand merchandise. Playing music and making money simultaneously puts the band in a euphoric state, and is in fact the only way they can fight off the demons of heroin withdrawal. So, at almost every show, there are incredible deals to be found on t-shirts, CDs, limited edition hololithographs, and the like. And buying your swag at the show not only means the band gets more money to pour into The Clawjob Foundation For Local Music By Clawjob (C.F.F.L.M.B.C.), but that you can get your merchandise personally sweat-smeared by the band! Win-win!

Don't miss Clawjob at T.T. the Bear's Place this Wednesday, January 7!


Poster designed by The Red Royal's drummer, Soda Bottle Jackson.



[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 01:02 PM EST 00000122 

LOCAL WOMAN GETS AWESOME TATTOO, ASCENDS TO HIGHEST PLANE OF DIVINITY
January 4, 2009

You may think you are a devoted Clawjob fan, what with your fan site, your pile of bootlegs, and your custom embroidered Clawjob letterman jacket, but LOOK AT THIS



After giving yourself 205 bloody, stinging lashes, contemplate why you have failed to be the first in your neighborhood to sport a lovely, full color tattoo of the Space Crackers fish on your person. The fleshjestic work of art above was needled onto this saintly woman's shoulder by Scott Bruns, world famous tattoo master. More images can be found here.

Note: Clawjob's top advisory panel on Clawjob Imagery and Shoulder Art would like to note that although this tattoo is more glorious and beautiful than God, the canonical Space Crackers fish species is green.

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 11:48 PM EST 00000121 

CLAWJOB CELEBRATES THE BIRTH OF 2009 AND THE MURDER OF 2008!
December 29, 2008



2008, a year spanning many Clawjob shows, the release of a new Clawjob EP, the appearance of Clawjob on a beloved compilation, and more surely does not deserve death by repeated stomping of the face, and yet that is exactly what it will get on January the first, as we celebrate the arrival of 2009!

Lest we forget the glory that was 2008, Clawjob will be playing a rock and roll memorial service on January the 7th, 2009, with such local luminaries as the Red Royal and Guillermo Sexo. This showslashawesomeconcert will be held at T.T. the Bear's Place in Cambridge, MA. Details can be found here and here.

As cheer and merriment are the forceps and vacuum extraction of 2009's birth, Clawjob invites fans to get their equipment in order by downloading some shiny, new Clawjob New Year's Day 2009 wallpaper!* Get it while it makes sense! 1024x768 or 1280x1024

*Certain undesirable segments of society would say that a New Year's baby would be a more appropriate image for such wallpaper than a demonic, furry Santa, but Clawjob fans know and are better.

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 10:46 PM EST 00000120 

BOSTONIANS! GET CHEAP CLAWJOB THIS SUNDAY AT MASS MARKET 3!
December 12, 2008

Attention, lovers of crafts, music, and/or frosted baked goods! This Sunday, December 14, at the Pozen Center at MassArt, both of Clawjob's critically acclaimed compact disc masterpieces will be on sale for rock bottom prices! Just stop by the local band table (featuring music from a wide variety of Clawjob's contemporaries) and slap down a few dollars, and you can leave with your very own copies of Space Crackers and Manifest Destiny! Also, be on the lookout for CLAWCASH that may have slipped out of Clawjob's moneybags and onto a few vendor tables. This is the perfect opportunity to finish all of your Christmas shopping for the next 5 years. Never before have hard rock music and yarn-based craftwork joined forces so magnificently!



Mass Market 3
Sunday December 14th 2008
12pm - 6pm
Massachusetts College of Art, Pozen Center
621 Huntington Avenue
Boston, MA
All Ages $1.00 Admission Fee

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 11:54 AM EST 00000119 

PUT CLAWJOB MUSIC ON YOUR WEBSITE; EXPLODE HEADS!
December 5, 2008

While we here at C.L.A.W.N.E.T. know you put a lot of work into your website/blog/facebook or myspace page/nakedfriendfinder profile, we also know that it probably sucks. Clawjob is, once again, riding the technostallion to your rescue, with the introduction of embeddable Clawjob music playlists that you can shove right up your very own website!

Clawjob's imeem page is still in the works, but there are two delicious flavors of Clawjob already available!

Savory, full-bodied Manifest Destiny (Click here to embed on your site):

Manifest Destiny



Sweet, decadent Space Crackers (Click here to embed on your site):

Space Crackers



Clawjob music makes the clouds rain presents and makes babies grow angel wings, so share some on your site this holiday season.

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 02:21 PM EST 00000118 

PHOTOS OF CLAWJOB PLAYING SUBTERRANEAN WATERTOWN POSTED!
November 24, 2008

Saturday night, in a basement in Watertown, Clawjob rocked five or six faces clean off, and now there is photographic evidence! Drag your faceless corpse over to Clawjob's Flickr pool to see some festive, Betty White-ridden photos from this weekend's show. Do not hesitate to add lewd comments and notes. Photos taken by up and coming pre-photographaelite Steve "Slow Dr. Mario" Gintz.



More here!

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 12:06 PM EST 00000117 

CLAWJOB PLAYS FOR FREE IN WATERTOWN! SATURDAY!
November 17, 2008

If your bank account has been brutally and repeatedly face-stabbed by the new depression economy, Clawjob is here to help with a FREE live show this weekend in Watertown, MA! Joining Clawjob will be Fat History Month, Yoko Oh No!, She Keeps Bees, and Love Story. That's five bands for the price of none! Come see Clawjob at their basementest!


Poster by somebody. Let us know if you know who designed it!

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 12:02 PM EST 00000116 

CLAWJOB PLAYS O'BRIEN'S PUB SATURDAY!
October 23, 2008



One night only! Clawjob is taking a break from the constant demonic rituals to play a show with Badman, Peculiar Gentlemen, and Brutal Love Masters this Saturday, October 25, at O'Brien's Pub in Allston. The show starts at 9pm, and those who are 21 years of age or older can gain entry to the club for just $6! Click the hypertext links for more information! Clawjob will be showering the audience with the warm spray of a brand new song, so this performance is NOT-TO-BE-MISSED, UNLESS-YOU-ARE-UNDER-21, SORRY.

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 10:15 PM EST 00000115 

CLAWJOB PLAYS LIVE ON YOUR RADIO TUESDAY, 10/14!!
October 13, 2008

This Tuesday, October 14, Clawjob returns to the terrestrial radio airwaves with an appearance on WMBR's legendary show, Pipeline! The band will be playing a tasty assortment of new material and rarities, with absolutely no repeats from their last performance on Pipeline! two years ago. This marks the first time that Clawjob has played a fully electric set on the radio, and also the first in-studio performance by Clawjob's exciting new three-piece live line-up (now with more shirtless sweaty men!).

The show starts at 8pm EST, Clawjob will play a live set at 9, and then the band will sit down for a rare live interview with the Barbara Walters of Cambridge, Mr. Jeff Breeze. Local fans can listen by turning their radios to 88.1 FM. Clawjob aficianados elsewhere can listen live here, or grab the podcast here and listen on the way to the soul-crushing workplace of their choice.

When, inevitably, Clawjob's sizzling live performance fills you with a need to part with all of your recent stock market gains, be sure to pick up a few copies of the new EP, Manifest Destiny, from the Clawjob store.

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 11:25 AM EST 00000114 

CLAWJOB INCENSED AT U.S. GOVERNMENT'S FAILURE TO BAIL OUT CLAWJOB
September 29, 2008

Despite unanimous support and encouragement from every last George Bush appointee, the United States House of Representatives narrowly voted down a proposal to purchase Clawjob's distressed assets for the low price of 700 billion dollars. Presidential candidate John McCain suspended his campaign to fly, carbon-spewingly, to Clawjob HQ for an emergency meeting of the Rich and In-Touch. But even this shallow, pandering gesture was not enough to stop the urinary flow of billions of dollars from Clawjob-Global-Omnicorps-Now-Including-A-Sizeable-Chunk-of-Washington-Mutual, Inc.'s gold-plated Manneken Pis wiener. As a result, the Dow Jones took a precipitous dive, and Clawjob were forced, reluctantly, to lay off nearly 200,000 landscapers and massage artisans from their private island resort.

Clawjob has no time to indulge the whims of out-of-touch legislators, and has given up on the government. The fate of the economy is in your hands now, you unwashed masses! You must quickly purchase all remaining Clawjob merchandise before global inflation pushes the prices past the five hundred million papiermark level and into the rapidly disintegrating stratosphere!

Your purchase will not be in vain, because Clawjob merchandise is apocalypse-friendly:

1) Shrinkwrapped copies of Manifest Destiny can be used as waterproofing when your shantytown roof melts in a nuclear blast and acid rain starts leaking in!
2) Space Crackers t-shirts are pre-printed with simulated blood splatters, so if you sustain a gruesome injury in a resource-driven battle with a gang of roving bandits, your shirt will still look mostly the same!
3) If you choose to unwrap your Clawjob CD, you can use the disc to reflect what minimal sunlight gets through the stacked grey clouds of pollutants and signal your main tribal outpost via Morse Code!
4) You'll also find that the CD packaging itself is made from a special cardboard composite perfectly engineered to give off maximum heat when burned for warmth in an empty oil barrel (especially important, given that all the world's oil barrels will soon be empty)!

Clawjob merchandise is the world's most stable currency, and is currently trading at the remarkable rate of 7 American dollars to 1 Claw Unit. The government's refusal to bow down and infuse Clawjob with cash will surely cause this exchange rate to explode, so buy now! PANIC! PANIC!!!! Don't delay, or you might not get your order in before the credit bureaus collapse!

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 03:55 PM EST 00000113 

"MANIFEST DESTINY" NOW AVAILABLE ON ITUNES
September 18, 2008

Anti-Material Goods Coalition members, having failed to bring hypothetical pudding to market, finally have a reason to celebrate, as Clawjob's new historical concept EP, Manifest Destiny, is now available on Apple iTunes!

For a mere $5.94, Apple Globo Facestomp Inc. will fire 6 digital bullets into your computer's brain, rendering it incapable of doing anything besides playing Clawjob's 19th century masterpiece over and over again. Clawjob encourages fans to bust out their dusty Christmas iTunes gift cards and digitally buy Manifest Destiny today!

In related news, Steve Jobs would personally like to thank Clawjob fans for their many purchases of the Space Crackers, the science fiction rock opera, as they paid for his new olympic-sized hot tub with optional chocolate rain fountains.

Manifest Destiny and Space Crackers are also available at the Clawjob store, albeit in physical form.

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 02:38 PM EST 00000112 

CLAWJOB WRITING CAMPAIGN SONG FOR PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEES!
September 8, 2008

ATTN: Presidential campaign managers!

After hearing of the recent controversy regarding the McCain campaign's (illegitimate?) use of Heart's classic but sub-Clawjobian song "Barracuda", Clawjob has decided to throw its tin foil hat into the political ring!

Clawjob has already embarked upon the composition of a stunningly inspirational song, and will license it to the highest bidding neoconservative candidate! Let it be known that members of a highly scientific focus group, upon merely hearing of Clawjob's intent to write such a song, scratched through the concrete walls of their holding cell in a panicked frenzy, looking for the nearest Diebold/Premier Election Solution machines, eager to cast their votes! Imagine the fervor that will erupt among the American public when the song actually exists! Whoever harnesses this power will certainly win the next presidential election, and thereby decide the fate of this godforsaken planet.

In the interim, while this masterpiece of political riot-rock is being composed and recorded, Clawjob would like to extend an offer to the Heart-deprived McCain campaign: free reign to pay multiple millions of dollars (or foreclose any of his seven houses) to use any of Clawjob's many McCain campaign-appropriate songs, such as "I'm So Hateful" or the ever-popular "Horrible Death!"

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 05:09 PM EST 00000111 

ALL MUSIC GUIDE DEEMS CLAWJOB COVER ART TOO INCREDIBLE FOR PUBLIC
September 5, 2008

The editors of the Internet's favorite music database, All Music Guide, have decided that the cover art for Clawjob's brand new EP, Manifest Destiny, is just too stunning to be viewed by those few who still frequent their site. Their massive collection of music information is already home to billions of album covers, and adding an album cover so clearly superior to the rest, they reasoned, would be unfair. Still, if they did not include any artwork with the entry for Clawjob's astounding new EP, their readers would surely revolt after straining their fingers in the marathon mouse-clicking sessions necessary to navigate the labyrinthine site structure, only to find an empty box where the album cover should be.

Cleverly, the team of music experts at AMG posted the back cover of Manifest Destiny, complete with bar code, as a compromise, proving their unparalleled competence in the realm of electronic music information archival. The editors even had their web development team ensure that the site loads extra slowly, so that those who are pregnant or faint of heart have ample time to get away from the screen before the shockingly great back cover appears. The staff of CLAWNET slowly claps at (and asks readers to join in, one by one, until the slow claps build into a wave of thunderous applause) the ingenuity of the team at All Music Guide!

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 02:00 PM EST 00000110 

CLAWJOB MAINFRAME INFECTED!
August 26, 2008

[BREAKING NEWS] Clawjob's mobile digital studio system, The Lappetoppe Deluxe, has been infected with a vicious piece of code designed by nefarious hackers to hurt the beloved band. Scientists on the scene compare the code to a virus for computers and have dubbed it "Infostrain Bacteri-X."

The attack on the band's mobile digital studio, or Modist, as it is known by insiders, has temporarily halted progress on new Clawjob recordings and has sent world economies tumbling. It is currently unknown if any Clawjob rarities have been permanently lost, but candlelight vigils have been scheduled around the globe tonight to pray for those hypothetically lost gems.

Journalists Will Spitz and Joe Bernardi are the prime suspects in this case as they were the last sub-Claw humans to set foot in Clawjob's studio, the Winter Island. Anyone with information on the whereabouts of these alleged information terrorists should contact clawjob @ clawjob.com as soon as possible.

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 12:04 PM EST 00000109 

RIAA ATTACKS CLAWJOB!
August 19, 2008

The RIAA and its demented, mindless drones have declared war on the Internet!

Angered by dwindling major label sales and driven insane with envy by the copious revenue flooding into Clawjob Global Omnicorp Unltd. (thanks to the recent release of Manifest Destiny), the RIAA and its underling puppet organizations have lain siege to the entire Internet! Recent casualties include:

● beloved streaming mixtape website Muxtape.com has temporarily disabled itself!
● flagship Internet radio website (and Clawjob-approved promotional mechanism) Pandora.com has acknowledged that it cannot afford to continue operations unless new Congressionally-approved royalty rates are recalculated! Read more about that here!

RIAA spokesman Agent_2346538 comments: "Clawjob's recent re-entry into the realm of recorded, purchasable music has sucked all revenue away from RIAA-branded artists and labels, and our Munificent Overlord will not suffer that indignity. He has sent us, His humble minions, onto the Internet to beat back the flood of artist-friendly websites and tools, and keep the hated independent bands where they belong: penniless, in the sewers. All hail the Supreme Overlord."

Clawjob greatly resents being scapegoated for the RIAA's flawed business model, and encourages all Clawjob fans to take a stand by writing sternly worded letters to their congresspeople, preferably on the backsides of Clawjob posters or the insides of Clawjob CDs!

Hot political action tip: covering your envelope with Clawjob stickers will make your ideas that much more likely to have an effect!

Together, we can preserve Clawjob's precious revenue streams for years to come!

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 11:16 AM EST 00000108 

ULTRA SWEATY NEW CLAWJOB PHOTOS POSTED!
August 18, 2008

Clawjob triumphantly returned to the world of live music on Friday, obliterating the dense and fleshy audience with a set full of loud, new songs. While most members of the crowd were reduced to puddles of brownish liquid and charred hair, a few lucky Clawjob fans escaped the sweltering stink of the Papercut Zine Library with limbs and digital cameras intact. As is the duty of all good Clawjob aficionados, these somewhat smoldering fans uploaded their pictures to the Clawjob photo pool on Flickr! Now, everyone can enjoy the sweat-drenched skin of Clawjob and the short shorts of their fans via the magichnology of the internet.

Also, an important reminder to Boston-area Clawjob fans: Manifest Destiny is on sale at Newbury Comics locations all week for just $4.99! You'll find copies of the EP easily upon entering the store; they will be located in the center of the mob of swooning teens and slack-jawed music journalists.

[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 01:47 PM EST 00000107 

CLAWJOB PLAYS THE ZINE LIBRARY TONIGHT!
August 15, 2008

The live music meal you have been craving will be served tonight at the Papercut Zine Library in Cambridge, MA! Never before has such a perfect blend of ingredients been combined in one night of performances. Can't stay up late? That's okay, because this show starts at the early hour of 7pm! Only 8 years old? That's okay, because this show is all-ages! Dirt poor? That's okay, because at this show you can name your own admission price!

Joining Clawjob will be Ho-Ag, The Serious Geniuses, Bread & Roses, and the extremely new Dr. and Mrs. Van Der Trampp! Copies of Manifest Destiny will be available at the low, low cost of regular price. The Papercut Zine Library is located at 45 Mt. Auburn St. in Cambridge, MA.




[Permalink] POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 11:21 AM EST 00000106 

 

   
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